


we've been falling, falling (it's like we fell to the top)

by prettysky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Friends, F/F, Pining, Sexuality Crisis, the regular stuff you know how it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-13 22:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16027592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysky/pseuds/prettysky
Summary: "I'm in love with you." She blurts out, without thinking. "I've been in love with you ever since… probably since we were little. I just didn’t know that. You were my best friend, my closest soul, and I was so in love with you, and I didn’t know anything, I didn't know what to do."\what happens when you meet the love of your life when you are five years old, but you know they will never be with you?\\sanvers childhood au





	1. Five

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome~
> 
> this fic will be divided into four chapters and will tell their story in skips of five years; at the ages of 5, 10, 15, and 20. i will try to upload them as close to each other as possible so hopefully in a week or two this whole thing will end.
> 
> enjoy!

Maggie wakes up to the smell of butter. It’s sweet and warm, and she can almost feel the grease of butter dripping on the... plate? pan? Doesn’t really matter to her. And although in her house they mostly have margarine, because it's cheaper, and simpler, she recognizes that smell. She doesn’t open her eyes yet, but the butter small is already deep in her nose, and she's sure it's the best smell in the world.

In general, she's sure this is the best house in the world. First of all, it's three times bigger than her house, and there are far fewer people here. Mainly far fewer people that are bigger than her, and irritating and annoying. Second, it has two TVs, but only in one she and Alex are allowed to watch. The other is in the parents' bedroom, and Alex says that only her parents can watch it. She doesn’t care, the TV in the living room is at Alex's disposal. Maggie doesn’t even have one TV in her house.

And of course, Alex. Every house Alex is in is automatically much better.

She opens her eyes at last, the smell of butter still seeping into her nose, down to her stomach, which doesn’t croak, but she will be happy to eat something delicious that smelled like that. She turns around, discovers Alex in the bed next to her. Alex is a little open-mouthed, and she drooled on the pillow, and her short hair is very messy. Much messier than Maggie used to see. She giggles quietly at the embarrassing sight.

Alex is her best friend, and she's four months older than her. They study together at the same kindergarten class, and last night was Maggie's first night sleeping outside her house, without her parents. She was excited yesterday, and now the excitement is waking up in her stomach again, after it almost didn’t let her sleep last night. Alex's mom is very responsible, she knew, and she has only one baby, less than a year old, to take care of. That way, she can take care of the girls in the evening, and in the morning, and take them both to the kindergarten. Maggie's mom agreed, and Alex and Maggie let out excited screams, hugging and jumping when they realized it's really happening.

They spent the time after school together at least once a week, mostly at Alex's house, or at the park, with Alex's mom watching over them. There wasn’t much room in Maggie's house. She had five older siblings, all bigger than her, all grumbling and irritated all the time, all bothering to harass her as soon as they see her in the hall, or in the living room, or in the bathroom. She learned to run away to Alex as soon as things got too much to handle. Her house is small and uncomfortable, and overcrowded, and Alex's house is large, spacious, full of light. She loves this house.

Yesterday Maggie came to her with a ready-to-sleep bag and they went up to Alex's room. Maggie showed her the pajamas with the blue and pink hearts, (Maggie doesn’t wear that pajamas often, but she asked her mom to take it to Alex because she thought Alex would like it. She did like it.) Her purple toothbrush, and her stickers notebook, which she didn’t usually get out of her house, and hoped Alex would be excited to see.

"Wow!" Alex said, her eyes shining as she flicked through her notebook. It was full of stickers of all kinds and sizes, and Maggie kept on it dear to her heart.

"These are my favorites," she pointed to a page of stickers in the shape of trees and flowers, and some of the stickers sparkled. Alex smiled, reaching out to touch them. "Me too," she said. Maggie's heart widened.

She likes it when Alex and she love the same things.

"Come on, I can hear Mom making popcorn." Alex closed the notebook and took Maggie's hand in hers, and they hurried down, Maggie already smelling the salty smell Eliza had spread over the hot popcorn.

"Ready for a movie?"

"Ready!" Alex said happily, taking the bowl of popcorn from the table to the living room. Maggie smiled politely, following Alex into the big living room with the leather sofas. Maggie had nothing made of leather in her house.

They watched the movie, curled up in a soft blanket, and munch on all the popcorn, and then on another snack Eliza had brought them. She tried to watch the movie with them, sitting on the other couch in the living room, but every so often there was crying from the nursery and she had to check on baby Kara.

"She keeps crying all the time," Alex murmured and rolled her eyes, and Maggie giggled. Not because she thought it was funny or anything, just because how Alex rolled her eyes when she said it, how she was puffing her nostrils a little. It was the way she said it that made Maggie laugh.

And also, well, it was Alex who said it.

They ate dinner too before bedtime ("You should eat some real food, not just popcorn all day," Eliza said to the girls, though it was mostly for Alex, who was making faces at the food. Maggie looked at the plate in front of her, that was laden with macaroni and cheese and with cooked vegetables, and ate politely. In her house, she was lucky if she got a peeled cucumber and a slice of bread with cream cheese for dinner.) 

Finally, it was time to go to bed, and they lay down, Alex in her bed, and Maggie in the bed right next to her, which was almost as big as Alex's bed. She managed to spread her arms and legs and move them up and down, and they still didn’t go out of the bed limits. She told that to Alex, and they both began to make angels, like in the snow, except they weren’t in the snow. It made them giggle, and they began to burst out laughing so loudly that Eliza came in with a smile, telling them she was very happy that something had made them laugh, but they had to go to sleep because it was very late.

Alex rolled her eyes after her mom left the room, and Maggie giggled again. She moved a little closer to Alex, lying on the edge of her bed. A few more giggles passed between the two, quieter this time, so Eliza won’t hear them. Alex's eyes shone in the darkness, her whole body curled up under the blanket.

"I wish I could sleep here every night," Maggie whispered. Alex smiled.

"I wish too," she whispered back. Shivering went through Alex, and she curled deeper.

"Are you cold?"

"Just a little," said Alex, shivering again. Maggie came as close as she could.

"Let me." She picked up Alex's blanket and went inside. Alex had thin arms and protruding knees, and Maggie reached out cautiously, feeling Alex's cool skin. She wasn’t sure, but it felt for a moment that it bristled. She held out her other hand and passed them on Alex's arms, as she had once seen someone do in a movie. If you rub hard enough, it warms up. She rubbed Alex's arms to try and warm her. Alex didn’t say a word, just looked in Maggie's eyes in awe, enchanted by this magic Maggie performs before her. The tremor faded slowly, and Maggie felt Alex's skin under her hands, warmer now. She continued to move her hands over it, slower, caressing.

"Warmer?"

"Cozier," said Alex, giggling. It's a funny word. Maggie smiled at her. Her palms felt warmer too, and she gathered them back, clasping them to her chest.

"Thanks," Alex murmured. A small smile resting on her face, and Maggie felt her cheeks grow red. Alex put her face close to Maggie's cheek, giving a soft kiss. Maggie's heart trembled.

"It was really nice of you," she added, and Maggie watched as her eyes begin to close. She curled closer to her, not saying a word.

Alex fell asleep in a few minutes, and Maggie continued to look at her, Alex hands resting peacefully under her head. Maggie finally came out from under the blanket that covered both of them, carefully covering Alex properly. She crawled to her bed, hugging the big pillow with her hands, looking at Alex until her eyelids felt heavy and she fell asleep.

Alex opens her eyes now slowly, meets Maggie's. They both smile, and Alex rubs her sleepy eyes. She stretches, gives out a sigh.

"You smell that?"

Maggie nods. Alex rises slowly. "It's pancakes."

Maggie widens her eyes. She never ate pancakes. She saw pictures of it, but actually eat? It wasn’t on the Sawyers' menu. Pancakes smell like butter? good to know.

"Are you hungry?" Alex asks.

"Like an elephant." She heard the man in the movie yesterday say it and Alex giggles, recognizing the reference. She jumps out of her bed.

"Come on, we can brush our teeth by ourselves." She says. Maggie follows her.

They go downstairs when they're done, still in their pajamas. Eliza softly rocks Kara in her arms while her other hand turning pancakes inside a frying pan. She noticed the girls, smiling.

"Good morning, sweethearts," she says. "You’ve slept well, Maggie?" She sends her a pleasant smile. Maggie smiles back, nods. She loved Eliza very much, but sometimes she was kind of afraid to speak in her presence. Not because she was afraid of her, just because she was so nice, and pretty cool, and much prettier than Maggie's mom. Alex was very much like her, but Alex was her friend. Her best friend. With Alex, she can talk. And laugh, and make strange faces, and play in the sandbox.

"Pancakes!" Alex proclaims enthusiastically, sitting down at the table. Eliza hastens to serve them plates filled with three big pancakes for each, which is more than Maggie thought she could eat. Maybe the taste would be as good as the smell and she could squeeze everything into her mouth. She took a bite, feeling a warm, airy piece of sweet dough filling her mouth, and she decides at that moment that this is her favorite food. She looks up, sees Alex caressing Kara's head that was peering out of Eliza's arms, in a gentle, slow hand motion, as she’s been taught. Alex's eyes glow as Kara hums with ease.

"She likes it, Mom," Alex murmurs. Eliza caresses Alex's shoulder affectionately. "She does."

"Maggie, you want to try too?" Alex looks at her.

Maggie swallows. She didn’t know how to do it, and was afraid to break something. Especially the baby, who looked particularly delicate.

"Come on, Maggie, she doesn’t bite, she enjoys it." Says Eliza, holding out her hand. Maggie walks carefully, reaching forward. Eliza guides her carefully, the soft light hair down on Kara's head is pleasant to touch under Maggie's fingers. She looks up anxiously at Alex, who smiles broadly at her.

Kara suddenly begins to howl, a weak cry. Eliza lifts her high. "What is it, Buttercup, are you hungry?" Kara doesn’t answer her, and Alex chuckles at her plate.

"She can’t understand you, Mom."

Eliza takes Kara down. "So it’s a good thing I can understand her." She turns to head out of the kitchen. "You two sit here and eat, I'm going to feed her."

They chew the pancakes in silence. They're great and round, and Alex pours maple syrup on Maggie's pancakes, which makes them even sweeter. They giggle as the syrup spills on Alex's pajamas, staining it in the golden brown, and Maggie sucking out her fingers, Alex's laughter filling her ears.

This has to be the best day ever.


	2. Ten

Maggie ran quickly after the ball, kicking it all the way to the net. Other children run after her and beside her, but she evades them all skillfully, kicks the ball hard, slams it into the back of the net, and-

"Goal!" One kid screams and Maggie's group rises up in the air, jumping and shouting. They embrace in a group hug and shout encouragements, as they saw in movies, but it doesn’t feel like an imitation. On the contrary, there isn’t a more realistic feeling.

It's a regular soccer game. It’s not even an official game. They’re in fourth grade, and the older kids at the school usually catch the big field during recesses, while Maggie's class plays in a small area behind one of the buildings, with two stones that enclose the goal post. But this time, they have a free class, and no one bothers to watch them, so obviously Josh tells everyone to get to the big field to play. They quickly split into groups, boys and girls blended, and get to kick the ball.

Maggie likes soccer. She's pretty good at it, controlling the ball, the last strong kick, straight into the net, the cooperation between players, everything is very exciting. She doesn’t like Josh, though. First of all, he's arrogant, and always tells everyone what to do, and he has soft blond hair that he shakes all the time, which makes him look very ridiculous. Second, he's a boy, and Maggie doesn’t like boys. At all. But that's fine, because most of the girls in her class laugh at the boys, saying they're dirty and weird, but at recess, they stand and look at them and giggle. Maggie says the same things, just without standing and giggling. She’s usually the girl who joins the boys in the game. Boys may be suck, but at least they play soccer. Not like the girls, who stand and gossip, or play cards and hopscotch all day.

There are a couple of kids who don’t participate in the game, most of them are girls. Maggie looks toward the stairs, where they sit, raising her fist in the air in victory. They cheer for her and she notices Alex's face, prominent against the colorful crowd. She smiles proudly.

She and Alex are still good friends. Best friends. Ever since she can remember, she's always with Alex. Alex also likes soccer, and she sometimes joins the game (always in Maggie's group, of course) but now she has a big bandage on her arm, and her mother has instructed her not to play in the near future. Alex's mother is a doctor, so she must know, even though Alex keep saying that 'She's not that kind of doctor.' Maggie didn’t really understand the difference.

She likes to hang out with Alex. They still play almost every day after school, and on vacations, they sleep at each other's houses. They do homework together, Alex helps Maggie with an calculus and science, and Maggie helps Alex in english. The teachers call them 'Carrots and Peas' (Alex didn’t understand, and Maggie had to explain to her that carrots and peas are a food that always goes together. Alex doesn’t like vegetables too much, but it's okay. Maggie's mom says that at Alex's house they eat whatever they want, whenever they want. Maggie didn’t really understand what it meant, but she didn’t repeat it to Alex.) Alex was cheering now and Maggie waved at her enthusiastically, proud of herself for the goal she scored.

"Go, Maggie!" She heard Alex yell, and it gave her an incentive. She moved across the field, snatching the ball from a kid of the opposing team, running quickly toward the goal post, to the sound of her group's exclamations. She runs faster and faster, avoiding other kids, the ball safely between her feet. She almost reached the opposite net, and suddenly-

Boom. She bumped into something, and flattened herself hard on the concrete, so strong that her legs rose slightly from the other side. Her chin and a little of her left cheek slide down on the floor and her hands, while trying to stop the fall, really hurts in the wrists. She’s a little stunned for a moment, still lying on the floor, wondering how to move without breaking anything.

"Maggie!" She hears a shout, and in a moment Alex leans beside her. She tries to get up, but her wrists still hurt, and she gives a groan of pain. Alex looks at her with a worried look, very worried, and if she wasn’t in great pain, she would be a bit blushing now.

She sometimes blushes when Alex holds her hand. Or when she's smiling at her. Or when she's looking at her like that, like now. She doesn't know why. She tries to ignore it.

"Maggie, are you alright? Oh, dear," Alex's gaze shifts from Maggie's scratched face to her hands, which were scratched too but less. She holds out her hand that’s not in a bandage and tries to clean the front of Maggie's shirt and her shorts. It hurts a little but Maggie doesn’t say a word. A couple of kids from Maggie's group approach them, one of them holding the ball.

"Are you okay, Sawyer?" Says one of them, Bobby. He looks at her from above, a little worried but not too much. She tries to be a heroine, to get up on her own, but she fails. Alex comes to her rescue, and she gets supported by Alex's shoulder, both of them standing slightly bent.

"I'm fine," she says. She's not, that's obvious, and she thinks her chin is starting to bleed a little, but she stands there bravely. Alex supports her, her hand holding her tight.

"You should go to the nurse," he says, folding his hands. She doesn't even care that he doesn't care if she's hurt, all she cares about is Alex standing next to her, her arm tucked over her shoulder, supported. He nods again and approaches Josh, the captain of the opposing team (there aren’t really captains, it's an informal game, but boys like being called captains. Maggie just wants to play soccer.) Someone throws the ball in the air and the game starts again.

Alex and Maggie walk slowly toward the nurse's room. Maggie's legs work quite well, but her stomach and chest are sore. The hands, too, and the chin is burning. She gives out occasional hisses of pain, hoping they will arrive quickly and she’ll dressed, cleaned, and receive a candy. Alex puts her hand down to support her from the hip, but she gives a loud groan.

"Not there!"

"Sorry!" Pause. "Does it hurt when I do that?"

"Yes."

"And that?"

"Less."

Quiet. "And that?"

"Alex!"

"Sorry."

Maggie sighs. "It's alright, it's just a little painful. Mrs. Petrov will know what to do."

"I hope."

Finally, they reach the nurse, who claps her hands at the wounded Maggie. Alex step aside, sitting on a chair and already had her candy, and now she's watching Maggie get checked, bandaged, and cleaned. Maggie made her a funny face twice when Mrs. Petrov didn’t look, and Alex chuckled softly, but Maggie could hear. She hardly cared about the injury, as long as she managed to make Alex laugh.

"Alright, Mrs. Sawyer, you're good to go. Remember, don’t take off the bandage at night, and come back tomorrow to have it changed, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Petrov."

"You’re welcome, honey," the nurse smiled at her, serving her the same candy as Alex's, which was almost done in her mouth. Mrs. Petrov looked at Alex. "What about you, sweetie? what happened to your hand?"

"Oh, it's... nothing," Alex said quickly. "My mom dressed it for me." She caught Maggie's hand and smiled politely. "Thank you, Mrs. Petrov, but we really have to go." She dragged Maggie out of the nurse's room, both of them on their way back to the field.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That, now, what you said to Mrs. Petrov. Your mom didn’t dressed your hand."

"How do you know?"

Maggie passed the candy to one side of her mouth so she could speak clearly while her hands busy feeling the bandage on her chin.

"You told me your mom is not that kind of doctor."

Alex chewed her empty candy stick. "So what. She still knows how to dress a hand."

There was silence as they walked in a straight line on the low fence outside the school building. Maggie watched Alex's feet walk ahead of her, mimicking her steps precisely so she won’t fall.

"You never told me where you got that blow from."

"I did tell you, Kara tackled me when we played tag."

"Right." It would have been unlikely that a five-year-old would tackle a ten-year-old so hard she had to dress her hand, but Maggie didn’t say anything. They got off the low fence and sat down. Maggie took the candy from her mouth to gave Alex a few licks. They didn’t mind sharing food, Alex usually shared her lunch with Maggie.

"Maggie?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you like anyone?"

Maggie froze. I like you, she wanted to say, but somehow she knew that wasn’t the answer Alex expected.

"What do you mean?" She asked cautiously.

"A boy," said Alex, plain and simple. Maggie sucked on her candy hard, thinking.

She doesn’t like anyone. Well, she heard girls in her class talking about it, and she knew that there were some “romantic” friendships between boys and girls in class (all secretly, for some reason), but she never felt something for a boy. She didn't even know what 'something' was, and how it felt. Alex went on talking.

"I think I like Danny. I mean, most of the girls in class like someone, right? So I like Danny. He has a pretty nose.” Alex took the empty stick out of her mouth, turned it in her hand. It sounded like something she'd already heard, something she hadn’t thought of by herself. "What do you think?"

About Danny's nose? Sure, whatever. "Yeah, I guess," she managed to say. She sucked her candy so hard in the last two minutes that it was over quickly, and the empty stick remained in her hand. She threw it to the ground.

"Hey!" Said Alex. She hurried to pick up the stick. "We don’t have another earth."

"What does that even mean?"

Alex shrugged. "I don’t know, my dad says it when someone throws garbage on the floor, and then he picks it up and throws it into the trash." She put the two empty sticks in the bandaged hand, and with the other she took Maggie's hand. She led them back to the field, where they heard the calls of their classmates from a distance. Alex threw the sticks into a nearby trash can, continuing to walk with Maggie's hand in hers.

 

~

 

Maggie inserted two fingers into her mouth and whistled two loud whistles. She was sitting on her brother's old bicycle, which was hers now, outside of Alex's house. It was a springlike saturday, and they were planning to drive all the way to the big park, and if Alex's mom would allow it, they’d buy something to eat too. Maggie hadn’t planned to ask her mother. She hadn’t asked her about anything. Most of the time she didn’t even notice her absence at all.

Her bikes were rusty and very worn when she got them. With a little bit of a new color, and a help from Alex's dad, she was able to fix them, and they were bright black, and pretty good. They were almost as good now as Alex's bike, which were bought last year. She sat on them, waiting for Alex to come outside. She whistled again, louder. She's really good at whistling.

The front door opened and Alex went outside.

"Alright, Mom!" She shouted before closing the door, and walked quickly down the steps of the house toward her bicycle, which lay in front. She rolled them toward Maggie, facing her.

"Did you bring it?"

Alex reached into her pocket and took out some coins, and one wrinkled note. Maggie's eyes shone at the sight of the money.

"Cool," she smiled, and Alex smiled back, and put the money back in her pocket. It was the money they saved when they cut the lawn at the Danvers' house yard, cleaned the fence and helped Eliza plant new flowers in the back. She was very proud of them, and they now decided to go and buy something with that money, which they earned honestly.

Alex looked at Maggie's chin. The bandage was gone, but there was a faded scab, and Maggie hoped the scar wouldn’t be too big. She unconsciously felt the area with her hand, and Alex smiled broadly at her. "It looks fine, don’t worry." she said. Maggie nodded. Alex's hand was already out of the bandage, but there was a small bruise on her arm. She straightened her T-shirt now, getting on the bike.

"Come on!"

They rode quickly, competing with each other on their way to the park. Alex laughed triumphantly each time she passed Maggie, making her roll her eyes. Maggie liked to do the exercise where she lifted her body off the seat, only her feet on the pedals. She tried to teach Alex, but every time she tried, her bicycle began to lose control.

"You'll get it eventually."

"Yeah, I guess." Alex was pedaling slower and slower and finally stopped. Maggie stopped beside her with a squeal. They came into the park and looked around at the stalls, at the people who came to have a barbecue or a picnic, or just sit in the shadows of the trees on blankets or mats.

"Do you want to buy something to eat?"

Alex pulled out the money again and counted it for maybe the eightieth time. "Seven dollars and forty cents," she announced, and Maggie kept looking around. She knew that amount by heart.

"Maybe a hot dog?" Maggie suggested, licking her lips. Alex twisted her mouth.

"I want something sweet."

Maggie wanted a hot dog in a bun, but she kept looking around.

"Cotton candy? Sugared apple? Ice cream?"

Alex's eyes gleamed, and she clenched the money in her hand. "Ice cream!" She declared, without any doubt. She looked at Maggie. "You want ice cream?"

Maggie shrugged. "If that's what you want."

Alex looked at the money, and at Maggie again. "Ice cream is two dollars, and the hot dog is three, which is five dollars in total." She thought for a moment. "You want a hot dog, right?”

Alex knew her well. Maggie looked at the ice cream stand, then at the hot dog stand. "Yes," she said.

"Alright," said Alex. "We'll buy ice cream for me, and a hot dog for you, and we'll be left with..." She stopped. "Three dollars. No, two dollars." She smiled.

"And forty cents," Maggie added, beginning to move toward the stalls.

"Right." Alex counted the amount they needed and returning the rest of the money to her pocket.

Five minutes later, they walked away, each one with her loot. Maggie with a hot dog in a bun, and Alex with a twist ice cream, with sprinkles above. She had to add a few more cents for that, but Maggie didn’t care. Her hot dog cost more anyway.

They passed among the people in the park, talking as they ate, rolling their bicycles beside them. Finally, they reached their tree, which was quite far away, and put the bike in its shadow, climbing into the lowest branch, which was wide enough to hold both.

"Be careful not to drop your ice cream," said Maggie, who came up first.

"It’s alright, don’t worry."

They finally sat down on the branch, finishing their treats quietly. Maggie swung her legs back and forth, her tattered sandals almost falling to the ground. She lifted them high, showing Alex the way they hung from her feet to the sides in a funny way, and Alex chuckled.

"Did you hear that Amanda's parents are getting divorced?"

Maggie shook her head. She wasn’t so interested in class gossip. Alex told her things she had heard sometimes, and she usually just shrugged.

It wasn't a big secret that Alex was more popular than Maggie. Alex was charismatic, and a good student, and connected with the other kids easily. Maggie was a bit shyer. She talked with the other kids, but mostly to the boys, and about soccer. It didn’t hurt either that Alex came from a respectable family, with money, and Maggie lived in an old cramped house with her too-big family in the less-known part of town. Children shouldn’t care about such things, but there were parents who instilled in their children the aversion to things that weren’t close to them, things that unlike them.

But Maggie knew Alex didn’t care. She and Alex are friends from the kindergarten, and they don’t need any approval about their family's economic or social status to continue being friends. They just loved spending time with each other.

"Bobby said they're organizing a soccer match tomorrow, on the old field near my house." Maggie continued to swing her legs. "You want to come?"

"Will Josh come?"

Maggie was surprised, but didn’t say a word about it. "I don’t know. I don’t think he will. He lives in Franklin, that’s too far."

Alex was silent. "Then maybe I'll come."

Maggie noticed a small, green caterpillar crawling toward them, and she carefully lifted it with her finger, letting it crawl on her palm. It moved slowly, in soft waves, toward her other hand, and to the back of her hand. They looked at it for a few moments.

"Maggie, I need to tell you something."

Maggie lowered her hand. Alex reached for Maggie's hand, carefully taking the caterpillar away, letting it crawl on her own hand. Maggie knew Alex's mom wouldn’t like that.

"Kara didn’t tackle me."

"What?"

“The blow I got, on my arm. It wasn’t Kara, it was Josh."

Maggie was silent for a moment, surprised. She stared at the caterpillar crawling slowly on Alex's hand, toward her arm. Alex looked pretty calm, and Maggie squinted in confusion.

"I don’t understand. Josh hit you? why didn't you tell me anything?"

Alex shrugged. “I didn't want you to worry. If it was Kara, it would be okay. Mom told me to say it was Kara, so it won’t make a fuss. And I didn’t want you to hit him back either." She looked anxiously at Maggie. "Please don’t fight with him. He'll beat you and you'll die."

Maggie shook her head. "I won’t die. But," she paused. "Why did he hit you? Did you do something to him?"

"He said some disgusting things, and I couldn’t resist. I tried really hard."

"What did he say?"

"it's not important."

"Alex,"

"Really, Mom said it didn’t matter, and she also told me not to repeat it out loud. Never.” The caterpillar stopped on her wrist, and she picked it up, looking at it closely. "It really doesn’t matter. Also, it doesn’t hurt anymore, and I don’t care about him, so," she shrugged again, and the caterpillar moved toward the top of her finger.

"But you don’t care when people say disgusting things. I mean, there were some kids who said nasty words a while ago and that made you laugh." Maggie was still a bit confused.

"Yes, but..." Alex lowered her hand to the branch, putting the caterpillar down, and it started to move away. "It was about you."

Maggie was silent. She still didn’t understand the whole story.

"About me?" She finally said.

"Yes, Josh said some disgusting things about you, so I hit him and he hit me back and then I fell to the floor, and he got scared that something happened to me and then he ran away, so I told my mom and she said she would take care of it. And she dressed my arm.” When the caterpillar disappeared, Alex found nothing to do with her hands, and she simply put them on her knees, tapping nervously. Maggie felt a strong need to put her hand on Alex's. She did it finally, settling them down gently. Alex's hands stopped vibrating, but she didn’t look at Maggie.

Maggie glanced at her for a moment, and saw that her cheeks were slightly red. She wondered if Alex’s heart was beating as fast as hers now.

"Thank you, Alex." she said. Alex held Maggie's hands, as if telling her not to let go.

"You're a really good friend."

Alex grinned at this, shaking her head. "You too." She was silent for a moment. "And don’t worry, I won’t let anyone hurt you."

Don’t worry.

Don’t worry, that's always what Alex told her. Overall, Maggie didn’t worry too much, and she still felt a wave of relief washing her every time she heard that phrase from Alex. She didn’t worry about bullies, with bullies she could handle. She worried about Alex. She hoped this kind of things wouldn’t happen again. That Alex would never be hurt because of her.

Maggie's heart started to beat even faster, and she wondered if that's how you feel when you feel 'something'. When you like someone. Like Alex said she liked Danny. Maggie wondered if she could feel it, if she’s allowed to feel it, but toward Alex.

"Come on," she jumped out of the branch, walking over to her bicycle. "I bet I can get you down to the hippopotamus rock."

Alex jumped right after her. "Not a chance."

Maggie just stuck out her tongue and began to ride, hearing Alex's wheels right behind her, all the way to the rock.


	3. Fifteen

Maggie has a math test in two days, but there's no way she's going to pass it. All the equations, the exercises, the numbers, they jump before her eyes, confuse her, and she stared at them helplessly.

The library around her was quiet. There weren’t many people there, just a few old people sitting and reading in the reading corner, and two children with their parents. She closed her eyes, listening to the annoying buzz of silence in her ears, electrifying her. She can’t concentrate with this silence. She needs some noise.

But that's why she's in the library now. At home there are at least five other people shouting, screaming, talking loudly, while the radio is on, and at least two machines working with a loud noise. No one in the house would be willing to be quiet for her, and she'd probably get a slap in the face if she’ll dare to ask. She tried to sit on her bed, quietly, to solve some exercises, but the distressing noise didn’t pass.

So the noise she has at home is not good. And the quiet she has now is not good either. So what does she need in her ears instead?

Alex's voice rose in her mind; You just have to move the fracture to the right side and solve it in this equation, it will be much easier for you, believe me.

The edges of her lips curled up. She can’t study with anyone except Alex, and she’s the one who explains the material better than anyone else. Alex knows best where Maggie gets in trouble, and how to help her pass the test.

Maggie also helped Alex, of course. History, language, and english lessons, when the words and linguistic analyzes are those that have entangled Alex, Maggie has come to help, explaining everything slowly and clearly, writing in a neat, round handwriting the things that needed to be memorized.

They had always been the perfect team together, ever since Maggie could remember.

She scribbled circles at the edge of her paper, thinking, as her phone buzzed. She looked quickly. Obviously, it’s Alex. An involuntary smile came over her face.

[Alexandra the Great: 6:04pm] whatcha doing?

Maggie bit her lips, typing. 

[Margo: 6:05pm] coming over so we can study?

[Alexandra the Great: 6:08pm] excellent. I have to talk to you. see u in 10?

Maggie's eyebrow furrowed and she wondered curiously what was so urgent. She saw Alex at school today, and nothing special was supposed to happen this afternoon. She packed her bag and hurried out, riding her old bicycle. Within a few minutes she was on the steps to Alex's house, the door opening before she could knock. Alex smiled broadly at her, giving her the way to enter.

"Mom, Maggie’s here, we're going up to study, bye," Alex shouted, and they went up the stairs, laughing, while Eliza answered something they couldn’t hear. The door finally closed behind them and Alex landed on the bed, sighing.

"Okay, what is it?" Maggie sat down on the chair, dropping her bag to the side. She looked at Alex curiously and Alex rose up, smiling slyly.

"Okay, something happened."

"What? come on, don’t-”

"Danny kissed me."

Maggie froze. Danny? Danny the light-haired, nice but a little rattle, Danny that Alex says she likes him for too long, maybe since all the girls in the class have begun to declare that they like boys? That Danny?

"Danny? wait a minute, when?"

"He lives not far from here, and he invited me to study with him, so we were in his room but we didn’t really study... and he..." Alex blushed, and pushed her hair back the way Maggie always thought it was sweet. Now it made her feel a bit sick.

"He what?"

"He asked me if he could kiss me. He said he liked me for a long time, and I blushed and giggled a lot, and... I had that feeling in my stomach, like there was a stormy sea, you know?" Alex looked at her, her eyes wide. "And I thought it must be because I like him. So I agreed, and he kissed me."

Maggie chuckled in embarrassment, not sure how to react. "This is your first kiss!" She said finally, probably sounding more enthusiastic than she really was.

"Right!" Alex's smile widened. She folded her legs to her chest, rocking a little. "He was really nice, and he touched me, here," she showed on her neck, on her cheek. "It was cute."

Maggie took a deep breath. "So what, you... you guys are like..." She couldn’t bring herself to say that word. She didn’t know how to digest it. Her best friend kissed someone for the first time. It's supposed to be exciting, isn’t it? They are supposed to jump and scream and reconstruct the moment to details and hope that one day Alex and Danny will marry and have a castle, after all... that's how it works. She should feel happy for Alex, right?

She doesn’t feel happy. She quickly went over all the feelings she was feeling now, staring at Alex with a frozen smile on her face, her palms sweating a little. Happiness... is not there. She feels shock, and something that reminded her of jealousy? Maybe because she too wants to kiss someone. Maybe because she herself is in love with Danny. She raised the image of Danny's face in her mind spirit. He was a cute boy, with a bit of sticky-up hair and green eyes, and he was pretty good at soccer. He also won second place in the essay contest last year, one place after her. He shook her hand then, she remembers, a diplomatic smile on his face. He was charming, she supposed, but she wasn’t... in love with him. No, clearly not.

"No, no, we're not together," Alex said quickly. "I mean, I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it, his mom called him, and then I had to go. But maybe tomorrow he'll ask me out." Alex laid her chin on her knees, her eyes not moving from Maggie. Maggie rose from the chair, sitting down next to Alex. She put her hand carefully on Alex's back, feeling the tips of her fingers burning from the touch, sending fireworks inside her body along her arm, to her chest, to her head.

"I'm happy for you, Alex," she heard herself say. Alex straightened up and sat back a little, resting her head on Maggie's shoulder, which made another flash of fireworks inside her head.

"Thank you. I'm happy too."

You are? Maggie asked, but not aloud. She didn’t dare say it aloud. She swallowed, trying to digest the situation, and she and Alex stayed like that for a few minutes. All the shrieks and excitement, the reverberations and fantasies that should have happened after this kiss seemed to have flown out of the window, or perhaps they never actually gotten there in the first place.

"You wanna study?"

I want to get out of here and go to sleep, and maybe get up in the morning and find out that it didn’t happen, and you’ve never kissed anyone. "Yes."

They sat and studied for a few hours, and Maggie managed to drown herself in learning, in some snacks Eliza brought them, and in Alex's voice, which hummed in her ear like a comforting white noise, as she explained the material.

"It’s getting late," Maggie said. The window outside had already shown total darkness. She stretched in her chair, sighing.

"Want to stay to sleep?" Alex asked. Maggie wanted to imagine that there was a drop of hope in her voice.

She had every reason to say no. She has no clothes for tomorrow, no pajamas, her parents didn’t give their approval, and above all, like the whipped cream on a cake, the fact that Alex, her Alex, kissed a boy today, and Maggie doesn’t really want to sleep with her bed next to bed. More like going home and never talking to anyone again. Especially to Alex. Or Danny. Although with Danny she didn’t bother to talk much as it was.

But after all, these excuses could be fix easily. As for clothes, Alex could lend her from her own, and her parents couldn’t care less where she was going and when she came back, and Alex... Well, that was irreparable. But there was nothing she could do about it.

"Alright," she heard herself say, and saw Alex's smile widen.

They lay in bed after dinner, as they always would when Maggie slept there. Alex in her bed, and Maggie in the open bed, which was no longer as big as it was for Maggie when she was little. It was dark outside, but a glowing light, a little dim, from outside, illuminated the room.

"Maggie?"

Maggie didn’t answer.

"Maggie, are you awake?"

Maggie turned in bed, discovering Alex with her eyes open, looking at her. Alex smiled, and came slightly closer, until they were only a few inches apart. They looked at each other for a few moments.

"What's it like?" Maggie suddenly whispered. She didn’t have to say what she meant. Alex closed her eyes, remembering.

"It was mostly weird. He tasted like peanuts."

Maggie couldn’t stop herself from uttering a small laugh. Alex laughed after her. "Ugh," Maggie mumbled, and Alex laughed even more.

"But it was nice, I guess. I didn’t really know what to expect."

"Do you like him?"

Alex stopped for a moment, and Maggie saw her eyes in the slightly bluish light that came from the window. "Yes. I told you already."

Maggie took a deep breath. "Okay." She whispered.

Alex's eyes closed slowly, and she fell asleep without saying good night. Maggie looked at her head on the pillow, at the area she was pointing at, the area between her cheek and her neck where Danny touched that day.

She tried to review her feelings again, but all she felt was confusion.

She didn’t like it.

 

~

 

"Hey, Sawyer! How was the test?"

Maggie shrugged. "It was fine." She looked around at the cafeteria, searching for Alex in her eyes. Bobby, standing next to her, flushed, looked embarrassed. "Me too, uh..." He coughed. "It was fine for me too. Hey, what did you get in ques-"

"Listen, I have to go," she said without listening. "Bye."

"Yeah, okay, good talk," he muttered after her as she walked away. She didn’t give him much thought as she arrived at the table where Alex sat, eating alone, her eyes concentrated on a science book she read.

"Hey!" She said, and Alex looked up, smiling. She closed the book while Maggie sat down next to her, opening her can of soda.

"What took you so long?"

"Bobby started talking to me."

"What did he want?"

"Something about the test. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening."

Alex smiled. "I think he likes you."

"Like me?" Like, like like me? Like Danny likes Alex? Like Amanda likes Paul? Like this thing everyone around her keeps talking about? Like that?

Alex nodded with a look that said 'Of course!' And Maggie hurried to shake her head.

"No, no, no, and no again. I mean, Bobby? he's just a friend, we play soccer together!" Maggie shivered at the thought and began to eat so she wouldn’t have to look at the face Alex sent her.

"Okay, not to make you uncomfortable or anything, but I think you two would be a really cute couple."

"Me and Bobby? you're out of your mind." Especially because I can’t bring myself to the point where I allow him to kiss me. Ugh!

Alex shrugged. "Anyway..." she murmured in a low voice, looking around. "Danny came up to me today."

Maggie struggled to look interested. She had no interest in hearing the rest of the sentence. "Really?"

Alex nodded and blushed again. "He asked me to be his girlfriend."

Maggie swallowed, feeling the temperature inside her drop. "And...?"

"I said yes!" Alex's eyes glowed. "I have a boyfriend, Maggie."

"Wow, Alex, that's..." Maggie tried to smile. "So great." She turned to hug her with one hand, pulling away almost immediately.

"Thanks," Alex looked a bit confused, trying to decipher Maggie's expression. "Are you angry or something?"

"No, why would I be angry?"

"Because, I mean, your eyes... you just don’t look so..." Alex coughed. "Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"Sure, why shouldn’t I be?" Maggie doubled the rhythm of her eating, avoiding Alex's gaze, which examined her worriedly.

"I don’t know..." Alex played with her fork on the plate. "So you’re sure you okay with that?"

"Completely." Maggie's plate was almost clean. She hurried to her feet. "Listen, I remembered I needed, uh... I have to, umm..." she coughed. "I have to do something in the library. I have to go. I’ll see you later."

She walked away before she could hear Alex's answer, hurrying to the bathroom. She went into one of the cells, sat down on the closed toilet, and took a deep breath.

Why she was so bothered by Alex being Danny's girlfriend? It's not that she wants to be Danny's girlfriend, or to kiss him herself, or... to have a boyfriend. Alex herself said, Bobby likes her, she can be his girlfriend, If she wants a boyfriend like Alex.

Still, it didn’t seem to be that. She didn’t want a boyfriend, she never did. The thought of it was disturbing. Something else bothers her, and she doesn’t know what it is. Something in the thought of Alex kissing Danny, hugging him, laughing at what he says... Something there feels wrong to Maggie. Not good. Like... like it's not a good plan, that he'll be Alex's boyfriend. As if it weren’t real.

She had known Alex for a long time. Ever since she could remember herself. And that Danny would be her boyfriend? He's a good guy, but, how to say it, he’s not enough. Something in these words clicks, and she thinks about it. He’s not enough. After all, Alex is... well, she's almost perfect. She deserved better than that. Maybe someone else should be her boyfriend? But who in their class is good enough? Who in the world is good enough?

And anyway, why does Maggie have anything to say about it? It's Alex's life, her decisions, her choices. And even if they're the best friends ever, Maggie shouldn’t tell Alex what to do. She doesn't even have to deal with it. It's not supposed to be about her, it's supposed to be about Alex. And Alex should do what was good for her.

But... What if it doesn’t really good for Alex? What was she supposed to do? How was she supposed to know?

Maggie goes outside to the line of sinks, washing her hands and her face for refreshment. She looks at her troubled face in the mirror, biting her lips nervously.

"Is everything alright, honey?" A girl with cropped, purple hair and a jeans jacket with patches, looks at her. She stands by one of the sinks parallel to Maggie, and she's clearly older than her, perhaps in the eleventh or twelfth grade. Maggie examines her for a moment, trying to see if she knows her.

"Uh," Maggie stammers. "Yes, everything’s fine."

The girl raises an eyebrow. "It doesn’t look like it."

"That’s none of your business." Maggie doesn’t look to see what the girl is doing in response, but she guesses it's something like a shrug, because she doesn’t hear a verbal response.

Still, it wouldn’t hurt her to pour her heart out to a stranger, older than her, who might help her, wouldn’t it?

"Okay, everything’s not fine," Maggie turns on her side, and the girl, who in the middle of putting eyeliner on her eyes, smiles and remains silent, signals to Maggie that she's listening.

"My best friend kissed someone for the first time a few days ago, a kid from our class, and now they are together."

"Okay," the girl still doesn’t look at her.

"And I don’t know what’s my problem! I can’t be happy for her, and it's strange for me to think of her as someone with a boyfriend, and it's not that he's suck or anything, he's kind of... okay, I guess, but I don't know if she really likes him. Maybe she just gives in to social pressure, maybe she doesn’t know what she wants, so she agreed, and what if... What if he’s not good for her and he’d dump her after a month? And what if- "

"Okay, shorty, slow down."

Maggie takes a deep breath. "I just worry about her. And I don’t know how to tell her, and I don’t know what to do."

The girl closes her small makeup bag, puts it down. "What if you're jealous? Have you thought of it?"

Maggie shakes her head. "No, I don't want a boyfriend." She stops for a second. "It's not about me, it's about her. I'm worried that she's making the wrong choice, that she's making a mistake. I thought I was jealous at first but, well, I don't want a boyfriend. I just want... her, to be happy." 

The girl bits her lip. She examines Maggie from head to toe, thinking intently. They are quiet for at least a minute before the girl finally speaks.

"Is that what you usually wear?"

Maggie looks at herself. She wears her shabby sneakers, an ordinary T-shirt and simple jeans that were a little big on her, and her hair was loose but slightly disheveled. How did that have anything to do with what she said? "Yes," she says, confused.

A little smile comes over the girl’s lips. "And you say you're not pleased with the fact that your best friend has a boyfriend now, her first boyfriend, and you..."

"I worry about her, yes. Like, really."

The girl twisted her mouth, thinking, then turned to the bathroom cells, opening them all to make sure there was no one to listen to them.

"Listen, what's your name?"

"Maggie." Maggie crosses her arms. What’s going on here?

"Maggie. Have you ever heard the word lesbian?"

Maggie's neck warms up. "Yes. Why?"

"Do you think that maybe... you have feelings for her? That you might be confused about her having a boyfriend because... you’re the one you want her to be with?"

"What? No, it's nonsense. I've known Alex since we were little, we're just good friends."

"Listen, I didn’t say you're a lesbian for sure. I just said it could be a possibility, and a one you might not have considered, so maybe you should consider it." She pauses for a moment. "You don’t have to be a lesbian. There are a lot of things you can be, all sorts of different settings and definitions. And if nothing doesn’t suit you, you don’t even have to define yourself. But maybe... you're attracted to girls. Maybe you're attracted to her.”

Maggie is stunned. She looks at the girl, whose eyes are pleasant, caring. She doesn't even know her. How does she offer such a thing without even knowing Maggie? Just take one look at her and suggest that, that she’s...

"You're fifteen, right? You have time, don’t rush yourself if you don’t feel ready. But... from what you've told me here, it sounds like it could be it. Of course, It doesn't have to be that, but think about it."

Maggie swallows, nods, still in shock. She feels that there’s a lump in her chest that’s trying to thaw, trying to pull its way out, and it breaks down into thousands of tiny pieces, gets stuck in her legs, in her hands, freezing her. Still, her cheeks were never warmer. Not even when Alex fell asleep on her one time while they lay on the grass outside her house and counted fireflies, and she didn’t dare to move and wake her for an hour.

Alex... Could she be in love with Alex? That she feels jealous of... Danny? That she wants to be in his place? She imagined herself instead of Danny, kissing Alex, putting her hand between her neck and her cheek, where Alex showed her that day. The heat rose in her cheeks, in her ears, and she looked straight at the girl with the purple hair, who smiled warmly at her.

"Good luck, kid."

Maggie couldn’t move, couldn’t call after her, couldn’t ask for her name.

 

~

 

Have you ever heard the word lesbian?

Is she kidding? Everyone knows what a lesbian is.

They just, don’t talk too much about it. Or encourage it. Or recognize it.

She kicked a big stone, sending it away. And it's not like she never thought about it. She had the feeling she was… like that. She pushed it away, of course. There are old memories, she thinks now. About what she used to feel. She finds out that she repressed it so hard, she remembered that there were times when people talked about love, or about intimacy, and she thought of Alex. When they told her she was supposed to feel 'something' and she... She thought of Alex. It was always Alex. Everything is floating and dizzying her and she finds it difficult to accept it, confused. She doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know what's right for her. But, of course she pushed it away. It's enough for her that she's not very popular, and poor, and maybe the only girl in the class who likes soccer these days, she doesn’t have to start being this... start being a... she shakes her head. She doesn’t need it. She doesn't need to think of it.

But then again, just to hear those words out loud, from another person, to understand that there is such a thing, that it's a possibility for her... it's a whole different step.

Her stomach swells, and the heart is heavy. Is she in love with Alex? Is that what you feel when you’re... in love? That whenever she touches your hand you start trembling, and that your heart expands when you make her laugh or when she smiles at you, and that you don't mind losing, if that means that eventually you'll win her? Is that what it means?

If that's what it means, she's screwed up.

Another stone stands in her way and she kicks it too.

"Maggie!"

She doesn’t turn around. She knows who it is, but she's not sure she can look at her now. A deep breath, and another, and she turns, slowly lifting her head.

It had been four hours since someone told her she might be in love with Alex, and it seemed as though Alex had become more beautiful as time passed. Her cheeks are flushed and her hair is messy, and Maggie has to fight herself not to reach out and straighten it. She gives her a smile, and Alex hastens to give one back.

"I didn’t see you after lunch, after... after you left," Alex sounds confused, but she's still smiling. Maggie chuckles awkwardly, gestures in the air at nothing.

"Yes, I should have, uh," she thinks for a moment. "I had homework."

"Oh!" Alex keeps on walking, expecting Maggie to go on with her, which she does, having no choice. "I just thought... Well, never mind. You want to come over watch a movie?"

Good, more Alex. No thanks.

"The truth is, ah... I have more, I mean homework. I have more homework, and I have to finish it, so ah, maybe tomorrow." Or never.

"Is it math? because I can help you, if you want, you can come ov-"

"No, it's not math, it's... geography." It was a lie, and Maggie's cheeks reddened as they walked on. They were approaching a turn from which Alex had to turn left and Maggie to the right. Maggie hoped she could get Alex to drop it until they reached the end of the street.

"Huh." Alex says, her eyebrows furrowed. "I don’t think there was homework in geography."

"It's old homework, from a long time ago. I have to complete the missing material."

"So I'll help you! I can-"

"No, Alex, you don’t have to." Maggie stopped at the end of the street, her face to the right. Alex stopped too, confused.

"I know I don’t have to, I want to." She said quietly, but Maggie heard. She took a deep breath, shaking her head.

"I'll be fine, just... we'll talk tomorrow."

She turned, leaving Alex behind, not daring to give her another look.

 

~

 

She's sitting on the bed now, reading a book. She really had to do her homework, but as always, her house was loud and noisy, and she couldn’t work like that. Her mom screams at her brother, who screams at her dad, who screams at someone on the phone, and two of her sisters scream at each other. She tried to use earphones, discovering time after time that they don’t block all the noise. She closed her eyes, trying to relax, trying to concentrate on the words in front of her, failing over and over. The words fly in front of her eyes, swirling in the air.

She suddenly encounters the words ‘in love’, like a sign, and hurries to slam the book, throwing it aside like it's a snake. She might as well try to do her homework.

It was much more comfortable if she would be at Alex's house. When they aren’t talking all the time, they study well. Sometimes, when Alex's parents aren’t home, they would cook something in the kitchen, listen to music, laugh and sing. Maggie had always felt a peaceful, unexplained happiness when she was at Alex's house, carefree.

She opens the math book, trying to answer some questions. She succeeds several questions in a row when a sound of glass breaks and more screams coming from the living room. She loses concentration, shrinks, although no one in the room is threatening her. She needs to hear other, more soothing sounds.

The sweetest sound she could think of came to her mind, in her imagination, and she clenched her jaw. Alex's laugh. Her best friend.

Friend. Not girlfriend. Just a friend.

Because she's straight.

Maggie's pencil tip poked the paper in front of her. Alex Danvers was completely heterosexual, and managed to break Maggie's heart every time she laughed. Maggie just didn’t notice her heart breaking, and now she looked at it, already smashed to pieces.

But you don’t have to be with Alex! Like, maybe you're not in love with her at all, maybe you think you’re in love with her just because she's your best friend! Maybe, if you find other companies, you'll find someone else to fall in love with, and you and Alex will return to being just good friends.

So that's it? You like girls? The question startled her, and she moved uncomfortably. She didn’t know. She thought of intimacy for a moment, rolling scenarios into her mind. She wasn’t really supposed to think about that yet, though some of her classmates talked about it, usually condescendingly, but she tried anyway. She started by imagining a faceless, nameless boy, trying to put him along with her in scenarios like at the ice cream, or on the beach, or on some bench in the park. In her house, on her bed, with his hands on her-

No! God, no, absolutely not! She couldn’t help but making a disgusted noise. She would never be able to.

And with Alex?

Suddenly, all these scenarios were infinitely better, almost made her tremble in their pleasantness. She was already with Alex at the ice cream, and on the beach, and on some bench in the park, and in her house, too many times, on Alex's bed. But never with a romantic intention, never thinking about Alex as a... mate.

But, so help me, it would have been perfect. All her limbs were languishing at the thought of Alex with her, truly hers, and she was flooded with serenity, a serenity she seldom felt.

Her phone hummed. Alex sent her a message, and her heart banged oddly.

[Alexandra the Great: 4:18pm] want me to come and help you with geography? I'm at Danny's, but I can get out in a few minutes if you wanna

The fact that Alex was willing to give up being with Danny to come to her made her tremble, and she almost answered yes, just to prove to herself that she was more important in Alex's life.

[Margo: 4:20pm] no, it's fine. have fun, we'll talk tomorrow.

But she can’t. Alex is with Danny now, and she has to smile and suffer it, all the way through.

Alex could never know that Maggie is in love with her.

 

~

 

They don’t talk the next day. They don't talk for a few days after. That is, Alex tries to talk to Maggie, but Maggie evades her, each time with another excuse. She told herself, she promised herself, that she would try to be Alex's friend, to keep being her friend without any of the... thoughts that now wrapped her head like a vortex, that didn’t let go, about what if, and what if, and what if...

She couldn’t let go. They were stronger than her.

Alex looked worried. And confused. It was a cute look on her, no doubt, but Maggie couldn’t bring herself to explain it all to her, as if the words had stuck in her throat. Every time she tried, everything got tangled up again, and she found another excuse to disappear in the hallway full of people, leaving Alex behind. For the first time in her life, she couldn't come to Alex for help.

She loves Alex. She is in love with her. And her stomach doesn’t let her rest, her heart doesn’t stop shaking. She's in love with Alex, and she's probably been in love with her ever since... since they've become friends. Perhaps, all this friendship was a lie. Maybe all Maggie ever wanted was to be with Alex. But it doesn’t make sense, when she thinks about it in depth. She didn’t always want to touch Alex, or kiss her... She just always wanted to be with her. And now, when she’s older, knowing a little more about herself, maybe Alex is the closest she could find to... a partner. She thinks about it a lot, every day. Trying to make order in her thoughts. Trying to understand herself. Meanwhile, she has abandoned Alex herself, trying to keep her away as much as possible.

A week or two passed, the longest time she hasn’t been at the Danvers house. Maggie was now hiding in the school library, trying to finish some homework until the bell, and then go straight home, so she wouldn’t have to run into Alex. She put down her pen for a moment, raising her head absentmindedly, Alex’s figure suddenly standing directly in front of her.

"A - Alex!" She blurted out, surprised. Her cheeks got redden. Alex's lips were stretched to a thin line. "What's going on? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just, uh, looking for my best friend." Alex shrugged casually. She moved closer to her, sitting down on the chair next to her. "Have you seen her?"

Maggie let out a slightly embarrassed laugh, shaking her head. "Oh, well, I might have seen her around, somewhere."

A smile slowly spread across Alex's face, catching Maggie quickly. Alex bit her lip. "Where were you?"

"I was here, I did some homework," Maggie reached forward, pointing to the papers in front of her as a proof. Alex wrinkled her nose, shaking her head.

"Come on, Maggie, you know what I mean."

Maggie knew exactly what she meant. She counted on the fact that she alone would bear the consequences of walking away from Alex, forgetting for a few moments that Alex, too, bore the consequences, the results of a distance she hadn’t initiated, and certainly didn’t expect.

"Well, I... I was a bit busy recently, studies, and everything, you know. There are tests coming soon."

Alex continued to look at her, the remains of a smile on her face. "I thought you knew better than not to tell me the truth."

Maggie's heart stopped. Could Alex know? How could she know?

How could she not know, you idiot? With the way you look at her, giggling beside her, and blushing all the time, of course she knows. And now she hates you, and she'll tell the whole school too.

Maggie swallowed. No way. Alex would never do such a thing to her. Not a chance. She studied her carefully.

"Well, if I'm so transparent, why don’t you tell me what’s the problem?"

Nice move, Sawyer.

Alex looked around, biting the inside of her cheek. "I think, well, I'm not sure, but I was thinking about it, and, I don’t know, but maybe you're not around anymore because, um, Danny and I are together?"

Oh, shit. She really does know. She knows everything. Maggie can’t stop the heat from rising in her cheeks.

"Oh, well," Maggie stammers. "It's not... it's not entirely... not true..."

"I knew it!" Alex smiles, for some inexplicable reason. Maggie is a bit confused, but she doesn’t say a word while Alex continues.

"You feel threatened, right? about your place in my life? that's what mom said. She told me to tell you, well, I'm telling you anyway, that you have nothing to be scared about. You end I, we'll always be best friends, like carrots and beans." Alex finished triumphantly, a broad smile on her face. Maggie didn't even bother to correct her.

Oh. So that's how it is.

Alex doesn’t know Maggie is in love with her. She doesn’t suspect it at all. She just thinks Danny took her place in Alex's life.

It's not entirely wrong, if she thinks about it. But Alex doesn’t have to know what's the real place Maggie would want in her life, instead of where she's now, instead of where she'd been since they were five.

Alex doesn’t need to know anything. Maggie took a deep breath, looking at her. She doesn’t need to know anything, and she never will. But Maggie wouldn’t hide it from her by force... She just had to cut her loose.

That's the right thing to do. For both of them.

"Listen, Alex..." she heard herself say. "I, ah, I'm-" The words got stuck in her throat. She hesitated for a long time, frozen, not sure how to say the words. Alex raised her eyebrows questioningly, confused.

"Maggie, is everything okay? I mean, at home, or with you?" There was real concern on her face. "Talk to me."

But Maggie couldn’t. She couldn’t say to her ‘listen, I can’t continue to be friends with you because I'm in love with you, and I can’t go on being just your friend, so let me just ruin the ten years of deep friendship we have together and then I have to go on doing my homework, okay?'

It just doesn’t work that way. She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I'm fine." She calmed her down. "Just a little stressful, but I'm fine, really."

Alex grinned. "Don’t worry, I'll help you. We’ll-"

Her voice was abruptly interrupted by a loud cough. They both turned, finding Danny behind them, his bag on his back and a wide smile on his face.

"I was looking for you everywhere, where were you?" he asked Alex, without even taking a look at Maggie. Alex turned to him, the smile on her face when she looked at Maggie turning very small. She didn’t answer his question, and Maggie wondered if it was because she was busy looking for her.

"Me and a few other guys going to McDonald's, you wanna come?"

Alex turned to Maggie. "Wanna?"

Before Maggie could respond to the surprising offer, Danny frowned.

"No," he said, in a quieter voice, his gaze fixed on Alex. "I meant only you."

"I know," Alex said coldly. "But if I come, Maggie comes with me. That's how it works." The words 'from now' weren’t spoken aloud, but they were definitely felt. Danny looked confused.

"Alex," he said, finally looking at Maggie. "It’s not..."

"It is." She shrugged. "Sorry, Danny."

He looked at them for a few more seconds, considering. "Okay, you can come, if you want." He looked at Maggie again, nodding at Alex, then walked away.

Alex looked back at Maggie, a wide smile spreading across her face again.

"I thought you two were together!"

"Together," Alex said it a little scornfully. "We spend a lot of time together, yes, and he kissed me a few times, but... I don’t know," she shrugged. "I don’t know if I want to hang out with him now. I'd much rather spend time with you, especially now that you're back." She gave a light fist punch on Maggie's shoulder, making her smile uncontrollably.

"So what do you want to do? play cards? watch a movie? do all the exercises in the math book by ourselves to get an exemption from classes by the end of the year?" Alex seemed enthusiastic about each of these plans equally, which made Maggie make a loose giggling.

After all, she felt relieved. She’s with Alex, and even though they are completely platonic, she thinks can survive it. It'll be harder for her to be without Alex than with her. Maybe she should try.

"Let's finish with today's homework first. We'll decide later."

 

~

 

Maggie took a long sip from her hot chocolate cup, the sweet drink going down in her throat and warming her whole body. She smiled at Alex, who sat opposite her, eating the whipped cream on the rim of her glass with a spoon.

"You're supposed to drink it."

"But the whipped cream is much more delicious." Alex put a spoon full of whipped cream in her mouth, raising her eyes to Maggie. She chuckled loudly, taking a napkin.

"You have a little-" She held the napkin forward, gently running it over Maggie's lip. "Here."

Maggie froze for a moment, her heart beating at double speed. Alex's finger lingered for a moment longer on Maggie's cheeks, and she hoped Alex couldn’t see the skin on her arm bristle at the touch. She looked down, concentrating again on the cocoa in front of her, trying not to get dirty again.

She wants Alex to touch her. Alex does touch her here and there, a hand on her arm, or a friendly blow on her shoulder, or a high five, but Maggie doesn’t want all that. She wants a totally different kind of touches. She wants Alex to hug her, and breathe her, and kiss her, she wants Alex to hold her tight, she wants to be close to her, all the time... She wants so much more.

"Wanna taste?" Alex hands her a spoon full of whipped cream.

Yes, I wanna taste. I want to taste the whipped cream from your lips. It’s okay without the whipped cream too, even if it's just your lips on mine. If you kiss me the way you kiss him, if you touch me the way you put your hand on his chest, if I only could-

"Maggie?"

"Yes, ah," Maggie exhaled. "Sure." She opened her mouth, letting Alex feed her with sweet whipped cream, and she tried to feel Alex's tongue that was on this spoon just moments ago.

"It's the best hot chocolate I've ever had," Alex sipped from the long straw in her glass, savoring the hot drink. Maggie nodded in agreement, continuing to drink hers.

They sat in the Danvers' kitchen, drinking hot chocolate that Eliza had made them herself, while pouring rain was outside, reinforcing the warmth of the house. They had finished their homework and played some video games when Eliza called them into the kitchen, two tall glasses of hot cocoa waiting on the table with curly straws.

Alex now mixed her drink with the whipped cream, and Maggie looked at her surreptitiously. She decided to try to be a platonic friend of Alex, to put away her feelings for her, to try to stop thinking about her in a way that would probably never be actualized, but all her efforts didn’t help. She just couldn’t stop thinking about her, when she was walking, on her bicycle, while she ate, in bed, in the shower... it seemed like Alex wouldn’t leave her thoughts deliberately, and Maggie didn’t know how long she could endure it. A few more months of this kind of platonic friendship, and she thinks she'll go mad. And then more? Years? How long will she have to continue this way?

Alex's phone buzzed on the table and she turned to look, rolling her eyes in contempt at the sight of the text sender. She turned the phone with its face down. Maggie raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"It's Danny, he wants to know if I'm free to go to ice cream tomorrow." She sighed in despair. "First of all, it's winter, you idiot, who's eating ice cream in the winter?"

"It's quite romantic," Maggie said, trying to be as objective as possible.

"It stopped being romantic two years ago. I mean, come on, me and you go to ice cream sometimes, does it seem romantic to you?"

Maggie continued to drink through her straw, an empty pumping sound telling her she was out of her cocoa, and she couldn’t keep her mouth occupied instead of answering Alex. She hurried to get up over to the high shelf, looking for cookies. Alex continued to ramble behind her.

"Second, it’s raining nonstop in the recent days. He wants me to come over so we can make out, or for, I don’t know, watch another film with too many generic machismo men. I'm tired of it." She took a cookie from the package Maggie placed on the table.

"You guys, uh..." Maggie coughed awkwardly. "Kiss a lot?"

She didn’t know why she was asking that. It's not that it would do her good to know the answer, or to talk about it in general. She just… blurt it out. Alex shrugged.

"Sometimes. He's a good kisser, and I suppose I am too. I'm enjoying it. Well, usually. I just..." She shook her head. "Sometimes he's such a moron and behaves so, immature, sometimes I really can't figure out what's going on in his head."

Maggie bit her lip, nodding. Alex turned to look at her.

"Maybe we should break up."

"Maybe," Maggie blurted again, pushing another cookie into her mouth.

"It's just, a lot easier for me to talk to you," Alex said casually, but Maggie almost choked. Could Alex have compared her to her boyfriend? Could Alex rather her be in his place?

"I'm so lucky you're my best friend." Alex smiled, and Maggie tried to smile back, swallowing the chewed cookie.

She's straight, and she's not in love with you, and you better pick it up, or it'll end badly.

"Anyway, want to continue the game? I was just in the middle of kicking your-"

"Actually, I think I'll get going."

Alex looked surprised. "But it's raining..."

Maggie looked out the window. "It stopped, I think I'll take the opportunity to get back quickly before it starts again."

"We don’t have to play, you know, we can watch a movie, or cook something... are you hungry?"

"No, Alex, it's alright," Maggie hurried to pick up her coat by the door, wearing it. "I have to go home, I'm sorry."

Alex twisted her mouth. "It's okay." she said. "Text me when you get there."

"I will," Maggie zipped her coat to the end, glancing her a last smile before she left to the cold air, set off on her bike.

She has been doing this more and more lately. Spend time with Alex as usual, until she couldn’t continue to be next to her, when the thoughts would overwhelm her and she couldn't concentrate, she was gone, each time with another excuse. She hoped she could go on with it, that Alex wouldn’t be offended.

She doesn’t deserve a friend like me. One who lies to her about how she feels about her, one who hides things, feelings, thoughts... Maggie kept galloping home, a slight drizzle hitting her face. They used to be so close. They would tell each other everything, they would spend their whole time together, they would know what the other was thinking just from looking at her. And today, well. Today they are the same, only Maggie continues to evade Alex. She walks away, and it doesn’t do her any good. She's afraid she might get to the point where she couldn’t stop what will come.

She has romantic feelings for her best friend. Her straight, with a boyfriend, best friend. And it can’t end well. And she had to do something.

She thought of the little freckles on Alex's nose, the way she threw her head back when she laughed, at the little tongue that peeped out through her lips as she concentrated very much... God, she would be the end of her. Maggie finally parked beside her house, clasping her coat to her body, stepping inside. Her mom and dad sat at the small table in the living room while two of her sisters watched TV. She hoped to enter quietly and quickly to her room, but her dad called aloud.

"Margarita, come here."

Shit. What now?

She turned slowly, trying to put on as calm as possible expression. He turned his head to her. Surprisingly, he didn’t look angry or particularly pissed, but more tired, exhausted. She was suddenly curious, waiting for him to say something.

"I got a new job offer. A better one."

"Oh," she managed to say. He never talked to her about his work, or about his life. He was never interested in her, and she wasn’t interested in him. She wondered where it was leading. "That… that’s good."

"Right." He sighed, and Maggie frowned with a puzzled expression.

"It's a job in another city, quite far from here."

Maggie looked around. "So... does that mean you'll travel a lot?"

"No, Maggie." Her dad looked straight at her. "It means we're moving."

"Moving?" She asked, not entirely focused on the implications of the news. "Moving where?"

"To Chicago."

Maggie was silent, trying to digest. "When?" She said finally.

"In two days."

It doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes sense. It's like a dream, a very bad dream. Why’s there such a brief warning about such a serious transition? Why was he just letting her know now? Why didn’t he care that he was pulling her out of everything she knew? Why like that?

"Dad, you're not-"

"I am. There's no point in arguing. Your things have to be packed until tomorrow night, no arguments, no questions, now." He sounded more assertive and she closed her eyes, trying to shake off his deep, roaring voice that had struck her.

"Do you understand?"

Maggie couldn’t speak. She doesn’t have a choice. She nodded to him, turned around, and began walking down the hallway to her room. She went inside, closed the door behind her, and allowed herself to cry only when she lay on the bed, her face buried in the pillow.


	4. Twenty

"Hey, Sawyer!"

Maggie turned. A tall, broad-shouldered guy approached her, arranging the bag on his shoulder.

"There's a party today-"

"Yeah, Don told me."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Oh, okay, and you..."

She shrugged. "If I won’t have too much work to do, I'll be there."

He flashed a smile. "Great."

She smirked, wondering if he is interested in her company because of her captivating personality, her outstanding grades, or if he just trying to get her laid. The fact that she was a lesbian was known to most of the college students, and even if someone missed, Maggie was now wearing a denim jacket on a Tshirt, a flipped cap and torn jeans. It was hard to miss the direct... look.

"Pete, you..." His eyes sparkled suddenly and she noticed his reaction, feeling a bit sorry for what she was going to do to the poor guy. "You know I'm a lesbian, right?"

He blinked. "You... what?"

"Lesbian. I like girls."

"Oh, I..." His shoulders dropped. "Yes, cool, I don't care. I mean, good for you. I mean, you know, I really support... I mean, people who are-" sweat was shining on his forehead now.

"Hey, don’t feel bad, it's alright." She smiled at him. He probably has no idea what he's talking about, but Maggie didn’t have the time to give lectures to straights, especially not now. Her phone whistled in her pocket and she turned to look. "Listen, I have to go, but I'll see you at the party, if I’ll get there."

He nodded and swallowed, his cheeks flushed. She hurried away, heading for the girls' dormitories, to Lucy's room.

She’s in her second year of college. Her life is pretty good - she's been out of the closet for a little over three years now, she no longer lives in her hideous parents' house, which turned even more horrible since they moved, and she has great friends and pretty good grades. She's a little short on money sometimes, but she finds jobs here and there, and she manages.

Her life is fine. It’s really fine. There’s only one small thing that prevents her from living in peace.

She can’t stop thinking about Alex Danvers.

Five years ago, she packed her bags and moved to Chicago, Illinois, and since then she and Alex haven’t exchanged a single word.

The moving came at a good time. At least that's what she thought then. Move to another country, never see or talk to Alex anymore, never feel anything confusing or irritating towards her, just go away and never come back. It would sound like the ultimate solution to her situation. She left without saying a word, changed all the means of communication she had, and continued in her life in a new city, in her new school, sure that from now on, her life would be easier without Alex. Throw Alex away from her life and never see her again, it was supposed to solve everything. Far from the eye, far from the heart, right?

But it wasn’t. After ten years of friendship, deep and genuine friendship, one that’s hard to throw out of the window or forget after two days, Maggie found herself without a best friend, without friends at all, to be honest, and a hole in her heart that opened wider and wider, which she didn’t plan at all. She tried to fill it, slowly finding new friends and new hobbies, but she couldn’t. Alex became a faint, beautiful memory in her mind, a memory that refused to fade, refused to disappear, but never in the last five years Maggie dared to renew the connection with her.

Since then, Maggie has developed and changed. She has accepted herself, embraced who she is. She even had a girlfriend or two since, and she enjoyed her good college life, studying and hanging out with her friends. But not a day goes by when she doesn’t think about Alex, and imagining what she’s doing today. She hopes she's doing well. There’re butterflies in her stomach every time she sees someone that might be her, or hears something that reminds her of her. She seemed to have left Alex, but Alex hadn’t left her.

But besides, yes, everything in her life is excellent.

She opened the door of Lucy's room, revealing her lying on the bed with her head inside the pillow.

"Trying to kill yourself, Lane?"

"Shut up." Sounded Lucy's muffled voice. Maggie grinned and put her bag on the floor, taking her books out of it.

"I'm here to talk to you about statistics. Are you ready?”

"No!" Lucy's voice was still muffled, but stronger, and frightened, and Maggie sighed. She sat down on the bed beside Lucy, putting her hand on her back.

"Lucy," she said in a quiet yet firm voice. "We need to study. There's a test soon and if you won’t pass it, you'll have to do it again. That means studying double. Is that what you want?"

Lucy moved her head to the side, ejecting a heartbreaking sigh. "I'm so in not in the mood to study."

Maggie patted her back and stood up. "You'll get into it. Come on."

Lucy sat reluctantly beside her and they began to study. Maggie's grades weren’t always good, especially in math. Alex was the one who always helped her. But since their separation, she had taught herself, mostly through the methods she had learned from Alex, and had done well on her own. The fact that she now succeeded by herself made her think that perhaps she never needed Alex beside her, perhaps she would have been better off without her.

Something else in her made her dislodge these thoughts as soon as they came, as if to justify Alex's existence in her previous life. To tell the truth, she missed Alex. Even now, after all the years. Even though she had been through so much since then, there was always a part of her that wanted Alex beside her again.

"Can we take a break?" Lucy groaned after an hour and a half. Maggie dropped her pencil, leaning back.

"Your brain is dripping from your ears."

"It's burnt. It's the parts I don’t need anymore." Lucy laid her head on the table, closing her eyes. Maggie grinned again. She met Lucy last year, and they both quickly hooked up. Lucy was the sarcastic, the flirtatious, the party animal, and Maggie was more calculating, quieter, but still cool in her own style.

Lucy was a good friend. Maggie wasn’t attracted to her, and that was the most important thing.

"Want to go to the cafe to grab something to eat and come back? We still have a few more hours of study."

Lucy opened one eye and glanced at her. "There's a party today."

"The test is coming soon."

"You're coming to the party!"

"I don’t know, it depends, I need-"

"No, no, it wasn’t a question," Lucy raised her head, staring at her keenly. "You're coming to the party, Sue texted me that there's a new girl coming in, and you have to meet her. She’s like, hot.”

Maggie wrinkled her nose. "First of all, I'm not looking for a relationship. Second, how do you even know she's gay?"

"Who said anything about a relationship? You need to get laid, sis. It’ll calm your whole always-learning-nerd-mode, and you can make any girl in your radius gay if you try hard enough."

"If she's so hot, why don't you get her laid?"

Lucy lay back on the bed with a sigh. "Because I’m a good friend to you, so I'm stepping down. And I can’t commit to just one woman, there are many men and women who deserve to enjoy the charm of Lucy Lane."

Maggie snorted. "What's her name, anyway?"

Lucy raised her head, a winning look in her eyes. "Ha! So you are interested!"

Maggie rolled her eyes and Lucy smirked. "I don’t know, Sue didn’t tell me." She studied Maggie for a moment. "You're coming to the party."

"I have to finish-"

"Again, wasn’t a question." Lucy lay back again. “Get ready. We'll be out in two hours, and you should look at your best. "

 

~

 

College parties are such a great thing. Guys hanging from the balconies, barrels of beer everywhere, loud and shitty music... What's more fun than that?

"...staying in my quiet room," Maggie murmured. "Why did you drag me here?"

"Calm down, Sawyer, all of the pretty girls will arrive soon and you'll be glad you're here." Lucy didn’t look at her, and seemed to be looking for someone. She nodded at people who passed by, giving winks and smiles to calls of "Hey, luce!" And “Lane, how’s it going?" as Maggie continued to stand beside her, stamping her foot nervously.

Maggie loved parties, in general. Usually, she liked them quieter, more pleasant, without shouting and loud music, and especially with as few men as possible. She noticed Pete approaching her, and turned to Lucy quickly.

"Pete's coming here."

"Pete Oliver?" Lucy's eyes lit up. "He's pretty cute, where is he?"

"Coming up here, your five o'clock. Don’t look. He wants to go out with me." Maggie put on a desperate expression. Lucy laughed.

"Did you tell him he needed tits for that?"

Maggie stared at her. "Not like that, but yes. I'm not sure he understood."

"Yes, I got it, monkey brain, boxer's body." Lucy glanced away. "Okay."

"Hey, Sawyer!"

Maggie turned, wearing a polite smile. "What's up, Pete?"

"I’m good, you?"

"She's great, but I'm even greater," Lucy passed over Maggie, putting her hand on Pete's arm. "What do you say we'll go get some drinks, blondy?"

Pete looked from Lucy to Maggie. "Oh, I... er, I mean, sure..."

They walked away, Lucy winking at Maggie behind her shoulder. Maggie shook her head with a smile and began walking in the opposite direction, pouring herself a drink from the drinks table. She looked around, recognizing people from different places, but no one was enough to start a conversation. Anyway, she's here for Lucy, she doesn’t know too many people from the circles that were there. It didn’t bother her too much, not to be a serious part of parties. She never sought to be part of the limelight. And it wasn’t that she was enjoying herself too much now, but it wouldn’t be very nice of her to leave Lucy after she had agreed to distract Pete for her.

"Maggie!" Said a voice behind her, and she turned. Sue approached her with a bright smile.

"Vasquez, man, what's up?" Maggie exhaled with relief. She knows Sue. Now it’ll be a little easier. She patted her back.

“Awesome. There's someone I want you to meet. She's from the student exchange program I told you about, she came in last week. " Sue turned around. "Where is she? She was right here behind me."

Maggie couldn’t remember Sue talking about any student exchange program, but she looked around to see if she’s finding a girl with a lost look. "She's pretty hot," Sue mumbled as she continued to search. "And I'm pretty sure you'll have a chance with her," she added with a wink.

"Oh, yeah, Lucy told me you both planned to hook me up with a random chick. Where’s she from, anyway?”

"California."

Maggie sipped from her cup. "This should be fun." She kept looking around. "Is she even gay? because you know, if she's not, I'd really rather-"

"Well, I didn't specifically ask if she likes girls, but she got the looks. To be honest, it'd be kind of a waste if- oh, there she is." Sue raised her hand, waving high. Maggie stood on her tiptoes, turning to look. She saw a tall girl approach them, brushing her hair from her eyes as she finally stood beside them, her face full of relief when she found Sue. Maggie looked at her, and almost choked on her drink.

Alex Danvers, five years older, stood before her. Her hair was red, and very short, and she wore a crop top and shorts.

Maggie's breath hitched, and her heart hammered in her chest. She had thought of Alex every day since she left, and yet she hadn’t imagined she would be that beautiful if she'll ever see her again. She was breathtaking, and Maggie was lost.

The relieved look on Alex's face had changed into a confused look, then a horrified look, and they both stared at each other, stunned.

"Shit, you already know each other." Sue said in disappointment. "You slept together, didn’t you? Alex, you're here like only a day and a half-"

"Worse." Alex said, her voice deeper, older, causing Maggie chills all over her body. "She used to be my best friend."

Maggie's cheeks grew even redder, and she managed to tear her eyes from Alex to Sue. "I have to go," she murmured and turned, disappearing in a moment.

"No, Sawyer, wait-"

"Yeah, walk away why don’t you!" She heard Alex's voice calling after her, and a sharp knife-like pain wounded her inside, threatening to turn her guts. She made her way toward the exit, leaving Alex behind her, far away, where she won't be able to hurt her again.

 

~

 

Three loud knocks pierced the room’s silence.

"Go away, Lucy!"

Another five knocks, faster, louder.

"I said go away!"

"Yeah, that’s not gonna happen." Lucy's muffled voice was heard. Maggie imagined her waiting with her hands on her hips, her foot tapping on the floor. She knew Lucy. It really isn’t gonna happen. She rose up with a sigh, opening the door.

"What’s going on with you?" Lucy stormed in. "You went yesterday without saying goodbye, without saying anything, Sue didn’t know what was going on, she just said you said you had to go and then you ran away, and she asked that girl, Alex, that's her name? but she didn’t really say anything either, and I was looking for you. And you didn’t answer any calls! What happened? " her voice became softer at the end, and she breathed for a moment, sitting down. As she talked, Maggie returned to her bed, curled up to a ball.

"Nothing happened. I just didn’t feel like I-"

"Don’t do that."

"What?" Maggie's voice was very small.

"Evade as nothing happened, it exhausts both of us. Just tell me what’s the problem." She sighed, looking at her with concern. "Is it because of this girl? Alex?"

Maggie didn’t answer, staring into space. After a few seconds she nodded, turning over to the other side.

"It is? hey, wait a minute, no- Maggie!" Lucy reached out. "Wait, what happened?"

Maggie felt the lump in her throat grow bigger, her eyes becoming wet. She can’t talk about it. But maybe talking about it will solve the problem. Maybe talking about it would fix it, help her get free. She wants to tell someone about Alex, a secret she kept for so long. And maybe, who knows, now that she's here...

No. Don’t even think about it. The fact that she hates you is not a surprise, but don’t ruin even more what’s already ruined. Don’t let that knock you down. Nothing should happen now. She’s not gay, and you should forget about her already.

But Lucy looks at her in such a way, her eyes soft and worried, but determined, and she knows she has no chance of getting away.

"We were best friends, when we were little. Like, the bestest friends. And she..." Maggie coughed, trying to find the words to describe what happened. "I was in love with her. It was a new feeling, like an awakening that I... I didn’t really know... I was scared, and she was very straight, and I... well, I knew I had no chance. And then we left, we moved away, and I assumed it would be a good idea to stop the relationship " She swallowed, her eyes flickering to look at Lucy's eyes for just a second. "I stopped talking with her. We didn't talk ever since. And even when I thought about renewing what we had, I just... couldn’t. I was too scared.”

Lucy bit her lip, leaning back.

"Don’t judge me."

"I'm not judging you." Lucy sighed. "I'm just sorry it happened."

"Don’t be sorry either, I was enough of an idiot-"

"Hey, no, we won’t sit here and cry about how your past sucks, right now you have to fix this. You have a chance.”

Maggie rose. “Fix this? You really think she’d listen to me? You really think that if I’d go and say to her, 'Hey, I was in love with you the whole time we were friends and probably up until today, and as soon as I realized that I took the first chance to break our relationship and now I, what, I wanna be friends again?' Do you really think she'll even look at me?" She stood up now, holding her head in her hands in frustration. "She hates me, I saw it yesterday, I had no doubt that she hated me for what I've done to her, and she would hate me even more when she’ll find out, she would hate me for what I dared to feel for her..." She closed her eyes. Her heart was raging, overflowing. All her love for Alex, which turned out that it never been extinct, never stopped, wrapped her in large, painful waves. She can’t break away from Alex, can’t let her go, and now that she knows Alex hates her, knows she can never have her, everything flooded her up again and she felt lost, choking.

"Hey, hey," Lucy stood up, holding Maggie's both hands, looking into her eyes. "She doesn’t hate you, she just doesn’t understand you. She doesn’t know anything, you didn’t tell her anything, did you? You didn't talk to her, didn’t explain to her? She probably thinks you hate her." She put her hands carefully on Maggie's shoulders. "You should go to her, explain-"

"There's nothing to explain, I'm in love with her."

"So there you go, that's what you need to explain."

"She’s straight! And I can’t just come up and say it!"

"Of course not, dumbbell!" Lucy rolled her eyes. "You've never had a conversation like that before?"

Maggie took a deep breath, shrugged, a slightly frightened look on her face. "Well, I, uh..."

Lucy shook her head. "We have a lot to practice."

 

~

 

She always wrings her fingers when she searches for words. Right now, all the words are in her head, as Lucy arranged them there, and sent her to Sue's dorm room, to look for Alex. Maggie doesn’t want to do that. That is, she wants to, but only if it’ll lead to good results. If it fails, she wonders if there’s any reason to keep on living.

She hears Lucy in her head, 'Not now, just keep going,' and she walks on, still wringing her fingers. Maybe she's looking for other words. Perhaps, deep down, she knows that the words she has in her head aren’t good enough. That no matter what she’ll say or how much she’ll try, nothing will prevent Alex Danvers from hating her forever.

She's good with words. Usually. She can pull them out quickly when she needs them, and analyze them, and understand them, and in general, words are her friends. She manages to control them. She wonders what will happen to the words in her head when she sees Alex, when she will have to talk to her, when she'll have to convince her, to beg her not to hate her. Will she still be that master of words then? She thinks of Alex, and how good she’s with words. The answer is not much, at least since she remembers her, if it hasn’t changed since then. Alex is good with numbers. Maybe she would talk to her with numbers? But what could she say? She doesn’t know what will talk to Alex, what will tell her what's going on in Maggie's heart. What would persuade her to listen. What would persuade her to stay.

She reaches the door of Sue's room, reaching out hesitantly, knocking weakly. She hears soft footsteps, and the door opens wide, Sue standing in the doorway.

"Sawyer! how’s it going?"

"Is Alex here?"

Sue looks a little surprised, but she doesn’t ask. She turns back.

"Alex, there's someone here."

Maggie immediately regrets, she wants to close her eyes so she’ll never see Alex again, she wants to run away, but she doesn’t get the chance, because Alex is already in front of her, and as soon as she sees her, she can’t take her eyes off her.

Alex dressed domestically, big sweater, leggings, wool socks. Her hair is a little messy, and she pulls it back, ruffles it even more. She was always a little taller than Maggie, and five years later, at least one thing hasn’t changed. She wore a surprised look, which changed into a cold one, and then she looked at Sue, embarrassed, biting her lips.

"Look, I'm not..." Maggie closed her eyes. "I'm just here to talk."

Alex stared at the floor. Sue reached out quickly to take her coat, which was hanging by the door, skirting Maggie quietly. "I, ah, I'll get out of here." She disappeared in a moment, leaving them alone.

Alex looked up for a fraction of a second, then turned back, making way for Maggie to enter. Maggie stepped inside, her heart beating faster and faster as long as she’s with Alex in the same room, alone.

How many times had she imagined this moment? How many times had she imagined Alex standing in front of her, the conversation they would have, the looks they would exchange? How many times had she pictured herself emerging from the hole she created for herself, finally free of the cables that held her? Finally, confessing everything?

Alex turned her back, walking toward the small mini bar in the corner. "You want, uh, a drink or something?"

"No." Maggie's throat was sore, but she didn’t dare to ask anything from Alex. Alex remained standing, still embarrassed. She turned slowly to one of the beds and sat down. She motioned Maggie to sit on the chair in front of her. Maggie was quick to obey.

Alex still didn’t look at her. Maggie cleared her throat, figuring out it was time to start talking.

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She tries again, but she gets the same result. Alex looks at her for a moment, sighs.

"Listen, I-"

"No, I can do it, just give me a second." Maggie breathes deeply, concentrating. She really can. All the words Lucy told her to say? They're here, somewhere. She's just not sure where. She'll find them soon.

Alex looks at her, and her eyes are big, in that color she never could explain to herself, dark brown and light green, or the opposite, something that didn’t have a name, something that didn’t make sense, yet was so Alex. Her throat is getting sorer, and she almost stops breathing, but she can’t afford it now. Where are Lucy's words?

Screw Lucy's words. Just say the first thing that comes to mind.

"I'm in love with you." She blurts out, without thinking. "I've been in love with you ever since… probably since we were little. I just didn’t know that. You were my best friend, my closest soul, and I was so in love with you, and I didn’t know anything, I didn't know what to do, and,” She swallowed. "I figured it out at the time when we were fifteen. My dad got a new job and we moved and I was so scared... I was so afraid of being hurt, I was so afraid to hurt you, and I didn't say anything to you, I didn't dare to, I was ashamed, I'm still ashamed. Of what I did. So just tell me, tell me what I can do to make up for you, because I was a jerk, like, big time, just tell me and I'll do what you want, and I'll get out of life forever. And I... " Her mind concentrates for a moment and she takes a deep breath. "I miss you, every day, every day I think of you, and suddenly you show up here, and it's like the world is letting me a second chance to fix this, but I don’t know if you'll let me fix it, I-"

"Stop." Alex's voice cuts her, and Maggie stops, closing her eyes. Lucy's words, phrases like 'I'm deeply sorry for what I did' and 'I hope you can forgive me' float in her mind, like clouds of smoke after a bomb. Well, it's too late now. Alex pinches the bridge of her nose.

"There's one thing I need to understand." Just one? That’s a relief. Alex looks at her, surprised.

"You’re gay?"

Maggie lowers her head. "Yes."

"And you were in love with me."

"Yes."

"All middle school?"

"Even before. I'm not sure when it started."

Alex crosses hands, examines her with her head tilted. Maggie gets more confused by the minute, but she knows she should be quiet. Surprisingly, a small smile comes over Alex's face.

"And what else did you say? about when you were scared? and then you ren away?"

"Yes, you... you don’t remember? We drifted apart, and you didn't understand what happened to me, and then we became friends again after a few weeks?" Maggie inadvertently mimics Alex's movements, her hands crossed as well. "I just couldn’t be near you, it was too hard... and with that Danny around, too," she murmured. Alex bit her lips, looking like swallowing a bigger smile.

"So you moved away, and you didn't bother to tell me anything, because you were in love with me?"

"Yes, I already told you," Maggie is rather confused now, and she wonders why Alex doesn’t shout at her, why doesn't she get angry, why doesn’t she throws at her everything she's been through since then? It's all Maggie's fault.

Could it be... Could Maggie's departure haven’t affected Alex at all? Could she have discovered that Maggie had left without informing her, and continued with her life as usual? Somehow, it hurts even more than the thought that Alex is angry with her. Because if she was angry, at least she cared.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have told you before I left." Again Maggie wrings her fingers, wondering if Alex will ever forgive her. Wondering how angry she really is.

Alex sighs. "You're right, you really should have. It was alarming at first, I have to admit. You didn't answer me, you didn't show up at school. One of the teachers announced after a few days that you moved away, and I was pretty shocked that you didn't tell me anything. I tried to find out more details, but it was as the earth swallowed you up. It was... pretty hard." Alex shook her head and chuckled, oddly enough, and Maggie lowered her head again.

"It's not a good excuse. It's not even an excuse, but that's what I have." Maggie took a deep breath. "I couldn’t bear to think that you were with someone else, that you could never be with me. I was selfish, and stupid, and it's the worst thing I've ever done, and I hope you can forgive me one day." She didn't look at Alex, who got up now, walking back and forth. She seemed to be thinking, and Maggie was anxious to know what's going on in her head.

"Maggie, I... it’s gonna sound weird to you. It’s gonna sound really, really weird, so I need you to listen to me." Alex turned to her, looking at her, and a small, soft smile appeared on her face.

"I'm not mad. Well, I used to be. I was very angry at first, and I prayed and hoped that all the troubles of the world would come to you. I calmed down after a while, but I still had a grudge. I thought that you hated me in secret, I thought that all our friendship, all that we went through together, all the time you hated me, and then you had the opportunity to uproot and never see me again. "

Maggie shook her head in disbelief, holding herself up from getting up and placing a hand on Alex's cheek. "I could never hate you," she murmured. Alex bit her lips. She opened her mouth a few times and seemed to find it hard to get anything out. Maggie waited patiently, hoping for the best.

"I loved you too." The words came out of her mouth in a whisper, but Maggie heard. She frowned in confusion.

"What?"

"I loved you, I was in love with you, like you were in me. I thought I was in love with Danny. I thought I needed someone, and I really did, but I didn't need him, I needed you." She folded her hands again, released them, and folded them again. A blush rose in her cheeks, and an involuntary smile on her lips.

"How... what..." Maggie's head whirled.

"I'm gay, Maggie. I didn’t know that, but after you left, well, I stayed with Danny. He helped me with what I've been through, it was pretty rough for me. And I found out that every time I was with him, I imagine I'm with you. I imagine you being... that you're the one who... who..." Her whole face was red now. "I thought it was just because I missed you, but it made no sense. There was something more to it. And I thought about it. I remembered all the times we spent together and did things together and all of a sudden... all kinds of repressed thoughts surfaced, all sorts of things I couldn't name then, things I felt... for you." She took a deep breath. "I remember the last day you were with me, I told you I was lucky to have you as my best friend. I thought about that sentence long after that. I thought about how fortunate I really was to have you in my life, but I'm not sure how much I wanted you to continue to be my best friend. Maybe I wanted more, maybe I wanted something else, and I didn’t understand it until... until it was too late. "

Maggie stood up slowly, moving toward her. Alex's tongue darted out to wet her lips, her eyes softening. " I tried to get you out of my head. I tried to stop wanting you, I tried to... forget about you. but I couldn't. I thought you hated me, which only made it worse, the thought that even if we'd meet, even if you're gay, you'll never be with me." she breathed deeply. "To see you like that, yesterday, it really shocked me. It was like seeing a ghost. And I... I never thought I'd see you again. I can't believe this," she held her hand down, as if gesturing on the space between them, "Is really happening."

Maggie looked at her, shocked, Alex’s speech filling up her heart, while her mind still digesting. "So you were in love with me."

"Yes. But I didn’t know." She smiled a little wider. "And you were in love with me."

Maggie breathed, her lips finally curling up to a smile. her chin trembled; she wanted to cry. "Yes. I did know, but it took me a while."

"It took a while for me, too."

"Too much, if you ask me." The smile on Alex's lips matched to Maggie's, and they stood facing each other, silly smiles on their faces.

"You're still in love with me."

"So much." Maggie shook her head. "and you?"

"I never stopped."

Maggie's heart shuddered again, but for entirely different reasons. Alex is in love with her. In a gay way. She wants to be with her. She’s not angry with her.

"You’re not angry?"

Alex shrugged, shaking her head. "I was angry, but not anymore... I found out things."

An uncontrollable giggle came out of Maggie's mouth. "Sorry." She giggled again. "I can’t believe this is happening."

Alex came a little closer to her. "I know. I thought it was lost."

"Nothing is ever lost." These words came out in a whisper, and she found herself believing in them. Nothing is ever lost. She could do anything she wants. She could fly a plane, jump off a cliff, swim to the bottom of the ocean, run for city mayor, win a nobel prize, kiss the most beautiful girl in the world. Alex Danvers is in love with her, and that's all that matters now. She makes everything possible.

"Are you going to kiss me, or what?"

Maggie shook her head, chuckling. She reached out a cautious hand, placing it on the back of Alex's head, feeling her hair a little bristling. She never thought she would feel the pleasurable feeling of Alex looking at her lips, looking at her, like this. "I've missed you."

"You have no idea," Alex whispered against her lips, and the spark that came from their kiss was enough to light a whole bonfire. Maggie fell, deep, and Alex's hands that were gripping her waist now caught her, holding her close to her, making her float in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading! i was so glad to get everyones messages throughout the week, it really warmed my heart, i love you all. it was almost an impossible mission for me to upload each chapter every two days, especially this specific week, but i did it and it came out great, so i'm proud of myself :)
> 
> so now that you've finished, you can listen to [ silver lining ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZUopuhqwCM) and have some fun with this banger of a song 
> 
> all kinds of enlightenments, questions, clarifications or complaints will be happily accepted by me in the comments, and you can also get to me on tumblr (bilerleigh) or twitter (bilerleighs), would love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> and remember- sanvers is endgame :D

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! would love to hear your thoughts about the story in the comments, and if you liked it, leave kudos!
> 
> i'm bilerleigh on tumblr and bilerleighs on twitter, come say hi
> 
> xo


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